Middle Aged Crisis

I am three months away from turning 35 and I am freaked out.  Majorly.  Not by the number, but the fact that I will be considered middle-aged.  I will no longer be in the most coveted demographic for advertisers, 18-34.  I'll be in the 35-48.  It seems like it just came out of no where.  I didn't even stop to consider that I would be middle-aged until my friend brought it up.  Then the panic ensued. 

I started to think of my own preconceived notions of what it means to be middle aged.  I always picture the man with greying hair, leathery skin (I guess George Hamilton) driving around in his fancy sports car convertible.  Usually, there's a much younger woman with him.  For women, I always assume botox, face lifts, lipsuction, or running off to Italy with their pool boy.   I don't need/want to do any of those things.  I am blessed with decent genetics and look like I'm 27 at the oldest.  

So why exactly, am I freaking out? Well, I guess I thought I would be a little more established by the time I turned 35.  I'm using the word "established" because over time my idea of what I considered established has changed.  When I was little I wanted to be married, drive a cute sports car, have 2.4 kids, a cat, a dog, and live in a Cap Cod style house with a white picket fence.  I basically wanted to look like I jumped out of a Ralph Lauren catalog.  Overtime, that dream faded (thank goodness. Its a little too suburban for my liking). I replaced it with other things like winning a pulitizer prize for my novel, an oscar for my screenplay, or being a high-paid PR executive.  Somewhere in my 20's, I decided that these lofty goals would only leave me highly disappointed.  Then, I decided, I wanted to be established in my career.  With 35 three months away, I still don't know what I want to do with my life. 

 If I really think about it, maybe  I am ok with this.  Maybe this is the chance I need to take a risk and totally go for it...what do I have to lose? Nada.  Bring on 35, it's the year of Shelly Marcelly! 

High Tea and Duct Tape

One of my  favorite things about moving back to Chicago was being able to spend time with my Aunt Me Me.  We loved to go out for lunch.  For my aunt, it was a chance to try new restaurants or go somewhere that my uncle wouldn't like to go (he isn't a big fan of spicy foods).  I enjoyed being able to spend time with her and to experience amazing restaurants that I probably would never known about or went to.  

In the month since my aunt passed away, I am comforted by the city.  I love walking around downtown and being surrounded by restaurants we went to and thinking of the great conversation and the fun memories that I will keep with me forever.  

Every time I walk past the Four Seasons hotel, I am reminded of the winter afternoon that we spent having High Tea.  I was completely a nervous wreck about going somewhere so fancy.  I spent countless nights tossing and turning obsessing over my outfit.  I ended up wearing a navy jumper with a cashmere blend paisley cardigan, my mom's Austrian crystal necklace and my favorite pair of boots: knee-high brown riding boots that  I found at a thrift store for three dollars.  I thought I looked pretty smart and appropriate for High Tea.  Seconds before I walked out the door, the sole of my boot  came apart.  After panicking for a minute, I did what any sensible person would do: I duct taped the sole of my boot (with pink tape, might I add).  As I walked to the bus stop, I thought, "how many people have to tape their boot before high tea? Probably not a lot." And at least the tape was noticeable.

The High Tea was amazing.  The tea room is exactly what I thought it would look like.  The room has beautiful, rich dark woodwork, hardwood floors, huge oriental rugs, and comfy tapestry covered chairs.  I felt like I stepped into a time machine, back to another era-- OK, OK, I felt like I was in England.  My aunt completely put me at ease, and I forgot about my DIY boots and enjoyed our time together sipping tea, eating cucumber sandwiches, chatting and of course laughing.  I am pretty sure we poked fun at the tourists sporting their white sneakers, jeans and sweat shirts.  At the same time, I loved how there was such a good mix of people.  I loved that there were old women who looked like they went to High Tea once a week. They were dressed in gorge vintage (not to them) Chanel suits and pearls.  A grandma was there with her grandchild and a group of women were there celebrating a birthday.  It was just the perfect mix of people. 

 I feel so fortunate that I was able to experience High Tea.  I am pretty sure that it is not that common of an activity today.  And I'm 100% sure, that I'm the only person who had to tape their boots before High Tea.  

My Latest Inspiration

 My poor, poor blog has been neglected for too long. Call it Winter Hibernation. Yep. That’s my excuse. The past couple of months have been busy for me and I’ve just been surviving. I haven’t really felt a creative burst. Until now. 

 

My roommate discovered that Xfinity…er…. Comcast…(whatever you want to call the cable company) was offering Watch-a-thon (or something like that), where you can watch the premimum cable channel shows for free! Woot! I have been wanting to watch “Girls” for such a long time. I even tried to watch it illegally through pirate website to no avail. All of my friends have been telling me that I will just love it and that the main character reminds them of me.

 

Two days ago, I finally got to see “Girls.” I absolutely love it. I am hooked! I’ve been up until four a.m. watching it. If I had a couple of days off, I would’ve stayed up until I finished watching it. That’s how amazing it is. 

 

It is honestly like nothing I have ever seen before. It’s not like “Sex in the City.” In fact, I hate that comparison. Just because it’s four young women living in NYC does not make it “Sex in the City.” Anyways, back to “Girls.” What I love the most is how honest the show is. I have never seen a writer throw it all out there on the table. Lena Dunham is beyond honest and real. Parts of it are funny, but for the most part it is a drama. There were parts of it where I am just so mortified, I can’t watch and others I am crying a good cathartic one. The characters are all so real and so well-portrayed. “Girls” shows  such a great, realistic viewpoint on twenty-somethings living in New York City. It’s the gritty, real life ramen noodles version of NYC life. Exactly how you would expect a 20 something in New York to live. There’s no Jason Wu or a luxury apartment. That’s what I love about it.

 

After watching the first season, I am so inspired to work on my own honest story. I’m not going to create my version of “Girls.” I’ve got my own unique story to tell. One that promises to be funny, sad, serious and genuine. For once, I am not setting out to write the great American novel, or the next Sundance award winning screenplay. I am not even sure of the format. All I know is I’ve got a lot of stories to share. And I’m finally ready to be honest.

My Latest Music Obsession

I have to admit, I get stuck in music ruts.  I don't know how it happens, but I go through periods where I fear putting my iPod on shuffle. I only want to listen to one or two artists.... on repeat.  Recently, I only listened to White Lies and Twin Shadow, which is such an amazing combo.   

They have been replaced.  For the past week or so, I have listened to nothing but Blur.  It started out just wanting to listen to "To the End." 

I love, love, love love this song!  The video is pretty cool, too.  It's just the perfect  love song.  

Listening to "To the End" lead to a solid diet of the album Parklife.  It is in my top ten albums of all time.  How can you go wrong with brilliant song writing?

I kind of feel really lame that it took me this long to appreciate Blur.   I spent the 90's being a diehard Oasis fan.  Blur was just ok.  Now, given the choice, I'd pick Blur over Oasis anyday. 

Moxie

My favorite aunt has been fighting a long battle with breast cancer.   It's been on and off since 2001.  She has never once complained and has always been so positive.  To be honest, I don't know how she has fought this battle for so long, with such a great outlook and strength. She is my role model.  

That  being said, I am no stranger to cancer.  My mom passed away in 1997 from skin cancer.  She too, had the same outlook that my aunt has.  Never complaining.  Always being so positive.  Always making jokes.  Being so strong in the face of adversity.  

I am so proud to have such amazing women in my life and as my role models.  They truly are my heros.  

In the fifteen years since my mom passed away, I've grown closer with my aunt.  She's been more like a mom to me than an aunt (actually, for my whole life she's been my second mom). It has been so comforting to be able to have that connection to my mom and discover than I am so much like them.  In fact, I strive to have as much strength, intelligence and moxie that they have.  

This past Friday, I discovered that my aunt is very ill and in the hospital.  She doesn't have much longer to live.  At first, I was in shock.  I knew that one day this would happen, but I hadn't really prepared myself for this moment.  After two hours of crying and moping around, I snapped out of it.  My aunt and mom would not want me to be this way. 

 I should focus on the fact that for the past 34 years, I have had such a great relationship with my aunt.  She has always been there for me and we have had such great times together.  How many people have that? Not a lot .  She's always treated me like her daughter and never like a niece.  Since my mom died, she's helped me fill the void that my mom left.  It's not to say, that she replaced my mom, because that's impossible.  She's helped me through the transition period.  She also has given me such great insight into my mom's life.  For this, I am so grateful.  I have no regrets.  I've never had a fight with her and she knows that I love her. 

This past Saturday, my dad and I visited my aunt at the hospital.  It was just what I needed.  One would think that I would hate hospitals, but I don't.  To me it was so comforting to know that my aunt has a team of professionals taking care of her and making her comfortable.  We had such a good time catching up.  It really put me at ease and made me accept the fact that sometime in the near future, I will have to say goodbye to her.  I know it won't be easy, but I am prepared. 

XOXO.Shell. 

Welcome to my World

Well, I'm trying it again.  It's a new year and I wanted a fresh start from my last blog, which only gave me one thing: a bad case of writer's block.  

It's with great excitement that I bring you Hashtagrealtalk.  It's the random stuff that floating around in my head, the social commentary while waiting for the train, deeper insights into my life and my unique insight into popular culture.  

I'm hoping that this is what I need to get my creativity going.  Fingers Crossed.  Here goes nothing...